Not being heard but afraid to speak.

I always feel like that kid who everyone ignores on the playground. No matter what I do, they turn their backs on me and pretend that I'm not there.  Like I'll go away if they wait long enough.  Well, I won't.  I'm an annoying little gnat who's constantly buzzing around, looking for validation.

If I'm talking, people have the habit of speaking over me or finding something else to do while I yammer on about this or that.  Not everyone does this mind you, but enough to make it eat away at me. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I even think that I'm "too much."

I used to give up on it.  I would literally stop talking mid-sentence if I saw that people weren't interested, or if they busied themselves. (Which is rude by the way.  When someone is talking to you, you listen and make eye contact.  If I have to listen to their sh*t, even if I find it inane, then they should afford me the same courtesy. It's just being respectful of another person's life and interests.)  I used to talk to one or two people and that was it.  Communication was never my forte anyway.  There are reasons for this that I've discovered only recently.  Sometimes I want to be social. I want to be intriguing and I want people to want to listen to what I have to say.  It would be nice to have interesting things to talk about.  It's very rare for me to share an opinion, so when I do, I expect people to want to listen.  But they don't always feel the same.

I still try though.  I'm an adult for crying out loud.  I do have valid opinions and thoughts and will share them even if  they get buried under someone else's voice.

It's annoying having this problem.  Sometimes I find it difficult to talk to my friends.  Thankfully they lead more exciting lives and can carry on conversations for hours on end.  But, it would be nice if I could just "get over it," and just say what I want to say and not have to feel irrelevant.

I'm hard on myself too.  Half the time I stop myself from speaking because I don't think that it matters. My opinion doesn't matter enough.  I put myself down a lot...as you may or may not come to find the more I blog and share my personal struggles.  I'm not ashamed of these faults.  I'm working through them. Hence this blog. 

I had wanted to talk to my dad today about starting my own business.  I wanted to ask his advice because he owned his own business.  I wanted to get his input and wisdom.  It's a daunting task trying to figure out where to start.  But I couldn't bring myself to start the conversation.  What if he thinks I'm stupid?  What if he puts my idea down?  I'll give up on it.  I struggle with it as it is now.  But I can manage my self-sabotaging thoughts.  I can tell myself to "Shut the hell up and let me live for crying out loud."
But if my dad laughed at it, well, I couldn't say that to him.

I've told two people about my idea and part of me thinks that they don't believe in me.  They've been very supportive, but I don't know, maybe it's my own insecurity, sometimes I feel like they're thinking that I'm not going to go through with it.  They know that I have a habit of starting things without finishing them.  So, I wouldn't blame them for thinking that now.  But I really am trying to get this started up and moving.

It seems like such a sad place to be in mentally. Having all this self-doubt weighing on me, while knowing how much potential I do actually have within me.  Will it always be a struggle?  Will I never have enough confidence in myself to defend my own ideas?  Will I always be half-assed about everything?  Hopefully not.  This business venture excites me.  It's making me think that it's possible for me to be successful.  I would make myself proud; knowing that I've accomplished something, even if I didn't necessarily succeed. At least I would have tried.

Too much rests in not knowing.  I'm trying to have a little faith in myself.