Moody

It's eerie how fast time goes.  How a day becomes a memory.  I get lost in the moments that were. When I think about how many years have gone by I panic. I know one day I'm going to wake up an old woman and wonder where my youth went.  I'll be mad at myself for wasting energy on things that were never meant to last. It's a bad habit that I can never keep myself away from no matter how hard I try to focus on the present.  No matter how much I want to 'live in the now'.  I'm a creature of habit.  I stick with what I know.

Last night was a rough night.  I'm still very juvenile with my concerns and that makes it worse...knowing that truth about myself.  All the "problems" I have are ridiculous if I think about the bigger picture.  They'll all work themselves out eventually. (I'm just tired of waiting.) I'm not going to die from all the things that I don't know or don't understand.  Obviously I've survived this long with the unfortunate things that have happened, so clearly they're no longer a concern.

I feel sorry for myself sometimes, which is another thing that annoys me.  I expect too much from life and from myself. I'm only human and life is random.  Maybe that's what upsets me too, that I have no say in how my life should play out.  Sure I can make it (or strive to make it) how I want it to be, but the reality is I have absolutely no control over it.

I used to believe in fate and things being predetermined...but now, I don't know.  Nothing seems to make sense, not for me and not for the people who are close to me.  Heck, not even for the state of the world.  I always feel like things should be easier. It's not though and that's disappointing.

I need to find something to do with myself so that I stop getting so restless. I can deal with all the other moods just fine, there's always an explanation.  Being restless has always been a problem and it never gets resolved.  It makes me cranky and I don't like to be cranky about things.

Pacify

(Another poem from my book Through the Veil.  It's available all over amazon and through Barns & Noble. Please consider purchasing to support a stranger and her writing habit.  Also any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you!)

Pacify

Peace...
I whisper so the hurt settles.
I do it to myself I suppose,
Always wanting something new,
Always wanting something.
I'm never happy with what I'm given,
Selfish, stupid girl.

Peace...
I whisper to myself so that the rage swallows itself back up.
There will be no pain today.

No,
Today there will only be peace.
Quiet everything inside,
So it doesn't poke sorrow and antagonize agitation.

Writing again

I started working on yet another story.  So far it's just a way to get myself back into the swing of things before I dedicate serious time to my "serious" book.

I have 4 pages already and think that it might turn into something more serious one day. However, like most of my writing projects I'm not sure where it's going.

It annoys me that I can spend hours/days working on something that's irrelevant and yet when I go to a project that I've actually developed a plot and character bios for, I draw a blank.  I haven't been able to write more than a sentence in the other book for months. Granted it's been about that long since I even looked at the damn thing.

I envy the writers who can spend all their time on what they mean to.

Maybe I should be one of those people who bring their laptop to a cafe or a library and just work there.  Maybe I have too many distractions at home?  I don't know.  All I know is that I want to write like I used to.

Beautiful People

Before I begin this ramble there are a few things that I'd like to point out.  I realize that beauty is just an opinion, not a universal truth.  I know that there's more to a person than what they look like and that a person can be beautiful but mean so by default they become ugly.  I'm not going that deep in this post, just sharing an opinion and thoughts which I found amusing this morning on the drive to work.

Yesterday I went food shopping. I hate food shopping, mostly because it puts me in contact with people.  However, yesterday I saw a man that I've seen before and oh my goodness ladies, and gents,  is he handsome.  The first time I saw him we were at opposite ends of the produce department.  I openly stared at him for a few minutes debating on if he was real or not.  Like a mongoose on the hunt, I scurried closer.  Yes he was real and yes he was very handsome.  That's where my stalking stopped.  He was so handsome he became unapproachable.  Though let's be honest, I'm far to insecure and awkward to even try to be social with people just for the sake of it.

Imagine my surprise and delight when I saw him again yesterday.  I was just walking in the door and my "handsome man in the room" sensor went off and immediately my eyes spotted him halfway down the store checking out. Darn.

Produce guy got me to thinkin'. How is it possible that someone  be THAT handsome?  It's not fair really. I shouldn't have to be subjected to that level of manly man.  

Has that ever happened to you? That you'll see someone and think that it's not right that a person look that perfect?  That it's not humanly possible so either they're some sort of alien, or they done fall from heaven.  Seriously.

I have a slightly different reaction when I see beautiful women.  I compare myself and judge myself hardcore. All my inadequacies become 100x more obvious. Usually I spot one of these otherworldly beings when I'm having a "You're looking pretty good today" sort of day.  Nothing destroys my confidence more. v.v*  I've gotten so used to it though, not being beautiful, that all I do is sigh and shrug.  Some people were just born lucky. 

My inner ogre comes out when I'm near beautiful people.  I swear, I start dragging one leg and grow a hump on my back. They have no business being here on earth, they belong in some magical kingdom away from the mundane.



It ain't right man.  Give us common folk a chance to feel pretty/handsome for longer than a minute.