Moody

It's eerie how fast time goes.  How a day becomes a memory.  I get lost in the moments that were. When I think about how many years have gone by I panic. I know one day I'm going to wake up an old woman and wonder where my youth went.  I'll be mad at myself for wasting energy on things that were never meant to last. It's a bad habit that I can never keep myself away from no matter how hard I try to focus on the present.  No matter how much I want to 'live in the now'.  I'm a creature of habit.  I stick with what I know.

Last night was a rough night.  I'm still very juvenile with my concerns and that makes it worse...knowing that truth about myself.  All the "problems" I have are ridiculous if I think about the bigger picture.  They'll all work themselves out eventually. (I'm just tired of waiting.) I'm not going to die from all the things that I don't know or don't understand.  Obviously I've survived this long with the unfortunate things that have happened, so clearly they're no longer a concern.

I feel sorry for myself sometimes, which is another thing that annoys me.  I expect too much from life and from myself. I'm only human and life is random.  Maybe that's what upsets me too, that I have no say in how my life should play out.  Sure I can make it (or strive to make it) how I want it to be, but the reality is I have absolutely no control over it.

I used to believe in fate and things being predetermined...but now, I don't know.  Nothing seems to make sense, not for me and not for the people who are close to me.  Heck, not even for the state of the world.  I always feel like things should be easier. It's not though and that's disappointing.

I need to find something to do with myself so that I stop getting so restless. I can deal with all the other moods just fine, there's always an explanation.  Being restless has always been a problem and it never gets resolved.  It makes me cranky and I don't like to be cranky about things.