These Boots

I've had a pair of boots sitting in my closet for I don't know how long.  If I had to guess, I'd say two years at least.  They're ankle high with a boxed heel around 2 inches high.  I loved them but didn't like the way they looked with my skinny jeans, and I wasn't too happy with how they looked with my boot cut jeans.  Plus, as I mentioned, they have a heel.  (I'm not one for wearing heels.) 

The reason why I purchased them in the first place was to satisfy my half-assed fashionista craving that occasionally plagues me if I spend too much time on YouTube. Sometimes I get the urge to dress up and look like a "proper lady."  Don't get me wrong; I don't dress like a slob.  But my shoe collection is predominately flats or flip-flops and that one pair of Bear Claw boots.   I can't walk in high-heels (I did recently purchase a nude pair...for the future.) I'm awkward...have I mentioned that?  I walk into walls...on my own...in my bare feet. Me walking in heels would be entertaining, to say the least.

Anyway, back to the point.

One morning, as soon as the cooler weather forced me to pack away my beloved flip-flops, I saw these boots peeking out from the back of my closet as I tried to figure out what shoe to wear to work.  With a sigh, I picked them up and put them on. 

"Hmmm," I muttered, turning this way and that way.  "These look really good with these jeans."

I felt like a fool walking down stairs in them.  The clop, clop, clop of them hitting the tile, put me in mind of a horse walking on cobblestones.  I smiled.  I like horses and the sound of them walking on cobblestones.

Yes, I'm that simple at 34 years old. 

I wore these boots to work and instantly felt like a supermodel.  Seriously.  I noticed myself walking taller.  I felt more confident.  If there had been a breeze and my hair was out of a braid, it would have been a scene from a movie.  You know the one, where the hot chick is catching the eye of everyone she passes as she walks in slow motion, like a runway model.  "These boots are made for walking," was the theme song of the day.  It was glorious.

Except, no one was out and about so early in the morning except me, so, it was a very dramatic walk to my car for nothing.

I didn't think that a pair of shoes could give me so much confidence.  I've worn them almost every day since then, and the magic hasn't worn off.   I can't even imagine the sort of euphoria I'll feel once I can wear those new heels!  Watch out world!

One Year Blogging!

I only know that I've been doing this for a year because I was looking for the post about autumn being a reflective time of year so that I could link it to this post.


I'm proud of myself.  Seriously, if I could pat myself on the back, I would.  Oh, wait...I can! :)

This is a big deal for me.  As I stated in post #1, I have a habit of starting blogs and deleting them.  None of them ever made it a year, and none of them had as many posts as this one does! 

I can't believe I actually stuck to something...you guys, (because there are so many of you reading this.) a celebratory cake is in order!

I'm proud of myself.  I don't care if anyone reads it or not. (Though it would be nice one day to be talking to someone other than myself.) This is a monumental moment!

Way to go me!  :: High five::

I love Autumn

Autumn is my time of year.  There's nothing that the season can do wrong. (In my eyes anyway.)  It's perfect in every way. The changing of the leaves, with their vibrant colors to tickle the senses and appreciate.  Absolutely beautiful.  (Let's forget for a minute that it's because they're dying!)

The air is crisp, and when you breathe it in, finds a way to refresh your soul.  It comes alive again.  Possibilities become endless and attainable.

Pumpkin-spiced everything!!!  Yes, I'm a huge fan.  Pumpkin donuts, pie, coffee, candles, ice cream...what else?  I love it all!

It's a reflective time of year I find.  I'm not sure if that's a "pagan thing" or not.  I mentioned this a little bit here.

I'm a lot of emotions in autumn, mostly appreciative of what I have and what I had.  I'm very lucky. I reflect on the world and my place in it, constantly trying to find my purpose or a use for myself.  We all have a purpose after all.  (At least I hope so.)  Sometimes it's a struggle to keep that in mind as I waste my time with mundane and nonsense things.

Half-Assed: Morning skincare routine

I watch some beauty gurus on YouTube and marvel at their routines; they've got them for day and night.  Spring and summer.  Fall and winter. Traveling on a plane or just staying home and doing nothing.  Sure their skin looks beautiful, but c'mon, there's got to be people like me out there who can't stick to that level of commitment?  I laugh when they have the "Quick" routine.  A half hour isn't quick.

As I already mentioned here, I'm not one to take the time out of my day for personal pampering. Maybe there's an underlying psychological reason for it; I don't know.  But it annoys me when I need to leave a face mask on for 15 minutes.  Probably because I have to remove my glasses and can't see. Haha.

I believe that the most important thing you can do is find the right product.  Sure it'd be nice to be like those other women and have all the serums and night creams and hydrating what's-it-called, by so and so boutique.  Maybe one day I'll get to that level, but for right now I'm fine with my method.

I have combinations skin.  Either I'm super oily or super dry, so finding a product that can help me with my breakouts and general troll-ness was a real issue.  I happened to be watching Marie's Bitsandclips channel one day, and she had mentioned in a video that she used Body Shop products. She said that they really cleared up her face and she was very happy in general with the products.

I've had to put up with acne since fifth grade.  I tried everything.  Proactiv, store-brand acne medications, dermatologist recommendations. I had an actual face cleansing regiment that was freaking ridiculous!  But no matter what I did, my skin was sh*t.  So, I figured I'd try out what Marie did.  I'm not sure if what I have is the exact product she uses. (I think it is.)

Can I tell you, what a difference!  I still have some spots and will break out on occasion. Hormones and stress and all that crap contribute to it, but my face has gotten so clear that I don't need to wear foundation!  I'll have to put on some concealer but that's it.  I'm so happy that I finally found something that actually works! 

Face Wash ($12.83 Amazon)

When I first started using this product, I wasn't too keen on the smell.  It's more perfumey than I thought it would be, considering it's seaweed, but it doesn't bother me anymore.  I find that since I'm prone to blackheads, I do have to use a face scrub to help with those. This is the only downside. (Though, I should mention that I would use a blackhead facial scrub daily prior to this. So it must even be helping those a little bit.) My skin does feel refreshed and clean after washing with this cleanser, and it looks brighter too.

Toner ($15 Amazon)

The toner has a cooling effect that I like.  Before I got the whole The Body Shop Seaweed ranger, I was only using the cleanser and moisturizer. I was using witch hazel as my toner because I had a huge bottle of it.  Once that was finished,  I got the brand's toner to try out and am quite happy with it.

Moisturizer ($14.58 Amazon)

I was disappointed with the moisturizer at first.  I had started using this regime during my skin's dry time.  It's a lightweight moisturizer and I didn't feel like it really moisturized my skin.  But it did.  A few days after I started using it, I noticed that my skin was looking happy. I also found that my face isn't suffering from the dry time much.  Though, winter is coming *GoT theme music plays in my head everytime that phrase is uttered.* ^_^, so we'll see how I do.   I like the fact that it's lightweight now because the other moisturizer I was using felt heavy and weighed my skin down too much.  This moisturizer also doesn't leave my face feeling greasy as the day goes on, which is a HUGE bonus!

Night Treatment (Got this as part of the trial kit. $24.72 Amazon)

 I'm going to be honest here, I don't use the night serum all that much. Mostly because I forget about it.  It's very light on the skin. It doesn't feel like you've got anything on and your skin can breathe. Which I appreciate, and my skin appreciates. (When I use it!) But I'm not really sure that is necessary for a night treatment. I feel like at night you would want something more hydrating and heavier. But again, I don't use it all that much to review it properly.




I should note also that the other reason why I switched to the body shop is because they're a cruelty-free company.  One of my life's goals is to not have any makeup products that have been tested on animals, nor support companies that do.  I'm not a vegan or vegetarian yet, but I'm working towards this goal.  I'm not going to lie, veganism intimidates me. I may never get to that level.  I wrote a post about this a while ago. Cruelty Free.
 

This routine is what I do on the daily for work and takes me all of ten minutes. Which is perfect because I hate waking up in the morning!  Not that I hate waking up, obviously being alive is awesome. I'm not a morning person is what I'm saying.

Anyway, this is how I keep beautiful and wanted to share. ^___^

Half-Assed: Foot care

I'm not one of those women that spends time doing facials and baths and what not.  I don't treat myself to those things, partly because I'm lazy, and partly because I never think about it.  I'm a jump in the shower, get the job done and get out, sort of person.  Well, truth be told I do stand under the hot water for a number of minutes to soothe my aching joints.  Calcium. That's probably what they need.  Don't get me started on vitamins.

My point is I don't have a beauty regimen. I take my makeup off with baby wipes. *gasp* and rarely moisturize at night. *double gasp*  No, I don't wonder why I'm still single!
The problem with being so nonchalant about pamper sessions is that I'll take a look at my skin randomly during the day and notice how dry it looks.  My feet especially.  It's flip flop season and let me tell you, ain't nothing ickier than having a look at your feet and seeing how dry they are!

I got a sample of Burt's Bees, coconut foot cream as a gift.  It was part of a holiday set,  mind you, no one was throwing hints at me. Or were they?!  Hmmm...

Anyway, I love this stuff.  It smells of a tropical island somewhere far away. I can imagine myself sitting under the shade of palm trees, whilst gazing out at the glistening ocean. The gentle roar of the waves, lulling me into a state of peace.  The sun slowly sets as I drink a nice refreshing Guinness. *Sigh* My idea of heaven...minus the tropical beach bit. (Though, I do love the roar of the ocean.)  I'm a forest type of gal. I much prefer dirt underfoot than sand. 

Back to the point!  This foot cream is thick and greasy, so, what I do, and what I recommend, is it be applied at night.  Wear socks to protect your sheets and help keep the greasy gold on your feet where it belongs! (My brain is taking help and keep and turning it into kelp. At least it's keeping with the theme!)

The next morning your feet will thank you!  I know mine will.  You'll notice the difference right away, but if your tootsies are severely dry, you'll have to reapply again.  I mean, I'm sure it's a product you could use every day.  As I stated earlier, I forget about daily lotions and sh*t.  I'll do this until my feet are back to being soft and supple. *Feet can be supple too! Something I didn't realize until I used this cream.*

Halloween Costume Rant

Every year, since reaching adulthood, I've struggled to figure out what the heck I was going to be for Halloween.  Part of the problem is the costume selection for women.  Ok, most of the problem is the selection.

First of all, I'm not a thin girl.  I'm on the chunky side, but I find that the sizes don't mean anything.  Even trying on costumes 3x bigger than my normal size is much too small.  What the hell us up with that? How did they figure out their sizing? Then to have a person pay extra when they get into bigger sizes, even more ridiculous.  If you'd make the sizes fit correctly, then I wouldn't have to look into ten sizes larger than what I am. Because I'm telling you right now, I'm not going to pay the extra money.

Another problem is that all the women's costumes are labeled as "Sexy Superhero," "Sexy Witch," "Sexy police officer," "Sexy Nun." ( Which is just wrong.) Etc...etc...etc.  I'm not sexy.  I'm awkward.  I don't "do" sexy or seductive.  If I want to be a policewoman for Halloween, I want a regular flipping costume.  I don't want my tits hanging out and my ass exposed.  No one wants that!

So, apparently, my only costume choices are "bacon" or a "coffee."  -_-

Not being heard but afraid to speak.

I always feel like that kid who everyone ignores on the playground. No matter what I do, they turn their backs on me and pretend that I'm not there.  Like I'll go away if they wait long enough.  Well, I won't.  I'm an annoying little gnat who's constantly buzzing around, looking for validation.

If I'm talking, people have the habit of speaking over me or finding something else to do while I yammer on about this or that.  Not everyone does this mind you, but enough to make it eat away at me. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I even think that I'm "too much."

I used to give up on it.  I would literally stop talking mid-sentence if I saw that people weren't interested, or if they busied themselves. (Which is rude by the way.  When someone is talking to you, you listen and make eye contact.  If I have to listen to their sh*t, even if I find it inane, then they should afford me the same courtesy. It's just being respectful of another person's life and interests.)  I used to talk to one or two people and that was it.  Communication was never my forte anyway.  There are reasons for this that I've discovered only recently.  Sometimes I want to be social. I want to be intriguing and I want people to want to listen to what I have to say.  It would be nice to have interesting things to talk about.  It's very rare for me to share an opinion, so when I do, I expect people to want to listen.  But they don't always feel the same.

I still try though.  I'm an adult for crying out loud.  I do have valid opinions and thoughts and will share them even if  they get buried under someone else's voice.

It's annoying having this problem.  Sometimes I find it difficult to talk to my friends.  Thankfully they lead more exciting lives and can carry on conversations for hours on end.  But, it would be nice if I could just "get over it," and just say what I want to say and not have to feel irrelevant.

I'm hard on myself too.  Half the time I stop myself from speaking because I don't think that it matters. My opinion doesn't matter enough.  I put myself down a lot...as you may or may not come to find the more I blog and share my personal struggles.  I'm not ashamed of these faults.  I'm working through them. Hence this blog. 

I had wanted to talk to my dad today about starting my own business.  I wanted to ask his advice because he owned his own business.  I wanted to get his input and wisdom.  It's a daunting task trying to figure out where to start.  But I couldn't bring myself to start the conversation.  What if he thinks I'm stupid?  What if he puts my idea down?  I'll give up on it.  I struggle with it as it is now.  But I can manage my self-sabotaging thoughts.  I can tell myself to "Shut the hell up and let me live for crying out loud."
But if my dad laughed at it, well, I couldn't say that to him.

I've told two people about my idea and part of me thinks that they don't believe in me.  They've been very supportive, but I don't know, maybe it's my own insecurity, sometimes I feel like they're thinking that I'm not going to go through with it.  They know that I have a habit of starting things without finishing them.  So, I wouldn't blame them for thinking that now.  But I really am trying to get this started up and moving.

It seems like such a sad place to be in mentally. Having all this self-doubt weighing on me, while knowing how much potential I do actually have within me.  Will it always be a struggle?  Will I never have enough confidence in myself to defend my own ideas?  Will I always be half-assed about everything?  Hopefully not.  This business venture excites me.  It's making me think that it's possible for me to be successful.  I would make myself proud; knowing that I've accomplished something, even if I didn't necessarily succeed. At least I would have tried.

Too much rests in not knowing.  I'm trying to have a little faith in myself.

Why didn't I become a paleontologest?

Do you ever have those moments in your life where you're doing something random, and suddenly a thought hits you out of left field?  This is exactly what happened to me the other day.


I was reading an old National Geographic Magazine.  (March 2003 if you're interested.) It has a beautiful image of a mechanical replica of Tyrannosaurus Rex on the cover.  Which is why I saved the magazine to begin with.  Dinosaurs excite me.  Ever since I was a kid, I was that odd girl who was obsessed with them.


I used to have a book; I think the actual title of it was simply, Dinosaurs. I treasured that book and would look through the pictures and wonder about all of them.  I loved them all of course, but I had my favorites.  T. Rex, Velociraptor, Brontosaurus, Triceratops, Pterodactyl...the list goes on, literally, because there were so many.


Of course, pint-sized, half-assed me, didn't do a lot of reading up on these dinosaurs.  I created my own ideas of these creatures, even back then, my desire for everything to get along made me imagine that all the dinosaurs were friends and they ate something other than each other.  The T. Rex was just misunderstood, obviously.


Then Jurassic Park came out. My 11-year-old heart fluttered with excitement and fear.  The Velociraptors and T. Rex nailed it.  I loved everything about that movie. (Shame on me for not yet watching Jurassic World by the way.)


Is it weird that the sound of a T. Rex makes me insanely happy?  Possibly, but I don't care.


On visits to museums I would be overwhelmed (in a good way.) with the thought that these creatures actually once walked the earth.  They existed.  Muscle and flesh covered the bones, and I was that idiot human smiling up at them wanting to be friends.  (My imagination has always been epic, and the one good quality I have.)  I still get that way. 


So, why then did I not pursue a career in paleontology? 


Only intelligent people can survive and thrive in careers in science.   (Upon reflection, I noticed that most of my interests are in that genre.)  The sad truth is that I'm not smart enough to hold onto the information.  I can't pronounce some of the terminology used, let alone spell it or know what it means.  Even the names of the dinosaurs are just "out there." Sinornithosaurus, Confuciusornis, Aucasaurus, Einiosaurus, Styracosaurus.  I mean c'mon.  You know the scientists gave up when they named Giganotosaurus. 

But the truth is, I didn't think about it as a career choice.  I wanted to be a Veterinarian.  I wanted to take care of animals.  Then I wanted to be an Archaeologist, then and Egyptologist.  Math got in the way of all these careers, as well as my general lack of ambition.   I'm not a scholarly person.   I like a lot of things but don't delve deep into the subject matter.  So my half-assery extends to all aspects of my life.

As I get older, however, I find that I'm more apt to research things.  Mainly because the invention of the internet makes it a heck of a lot easier to get the information.  I'm always googling.

I have a problem retaining the information, and that upsets me.  I don't remember half of the things that I read in the National Geographic article.  I don't know why.  I was enthralled while reading it, but as soon as I was finished and tried to ask myself follow-up questions, it all left my brain.  I've always had this problem, hence my bad grades in school.

Ah well.  What can I do?

Starting "fresh."

Things are precious to me. I've noticed that about myself, especially now that I'm older and trying to act more...responsible?  It doesn't matter if it's a half-filled notebook, or a scrap of paper with beloved names written down, or a faded receipt from when I purchased my first betta fish over 15 years ago. These things aren't just "things."  They're sacred words written down. They represent different times in my life.  They hold the power of remembering.


Despite this, I decided as I was trying to command order of my room, that it was time to let go.  The half-filled notebooks are worthless now.  The information that I wanted to learn has long gone from my mind, and I'm not going to spend the time reading notes.

 I'll start again.

I had mentioned the other day about how I'm a half-assed sort of person.  I want to know about a lot of things, but I never complete my "studies."  What I didn't realize was that keeping these old notes aren't helping me.  I don't review the things that I've already written, mainly because I forget that I've already written them down. So, I pull out a fresh notebook and start again.  So why keep the old ones?  They only take up space and are subconsciously hanging over my head, overwhelming me.  I've got enough crap that overwhelms me on the daily; my interests should never be part of that problem.

So, I made the decision to throw out the old notes to make room for the new.  As an adult I'm more organized *laughs*, than I was when I first started out.  I think that I'm capable of keeping better notes and being more detailed.


I've also thrown out my Daily Reading notebooks and looseleaf papers that were scattered in all sorts of places. They don't mean anything to me now because I didn't write anything detailed. I'm in a different place now with tarot than when I kept those journals.  I'm not a professional and I wouldn't even call myself experienced, but when I take the time and really focus, I am proficient with the meanings.  I always cared too much about the book's definition of what the cards meant and thought that I'd have to memorize 72 card meanings that were already established.  I'm not good at memorizing things, so that never worked out for me. And yup, you guessed it, overwhelmed me.


So, I'll begin my tarot studies again with a fresh eye.  I'll make more progress this way.


I also want to get rid of the clutter.  There are things that I don't need to display but that I don't want to throw away.  I'll pack them up and save them for the future.  I want to minimize the clutter in my home, and hopefully, that will help with the endless feeling of being overtaken by everything.  Maybe it will help ease the restlessness that I'm always feeling.  I already feel a little better having thrown out the small pile I did.  So it seems like a promising endeavor.

That would be awesome!

365 Days of Writing: Day 7

The Rocketship

*Write about a rocket ship on its way to the moon or a distant galaxy far, far, away.*

It hit Sam suddenly that he was living his childhood dream.  In less than five minutes, Albatross I would be clear of Earth's exosphere.  He would be in "outer space."

He smiled at the thought and remembered how he'd use to go around the house pretending to be an astronaut.  He'd draw pictures of the aliens and lifeforms that he'd discovered.  Sam knew that he wouldn't see any of those things now, but his heart raced at the possibilities of, "what if."

The silence once they reached space was overwhelming.  The stars were so close yet remained so far away.  It was breathtaking and beautiful.  There were no words that could express what he saw at that moment.

Jones let out an excited "Woohoo!" and slapped Sam on the shoulder.  The effects were slowed down with zero gravity, but Same smiled and laughed along with his comrade.

After they double checked the ships functions and checked in with command, the two sat back and enjoyed the vastness of the horizon.  There was no end to it. 

They would orbit the moon for a day or so before heading towards Jupiter.   Part of Sam just wanted to keep going.  To Hell with the mission.  How far could they explore with the resources they had? What would they find out there in the great unknown?

Sam thought of the young boys and girls who looked at the night sky in awe.  One day it would be their turn.  One day they would live their dream.  He was jealous of those that would forge ahead and be able to wander around the surfaces of these planets safely.  He marveled at the concept of one day, perhaps hundreds or thousands of years from now, people actually inhabiting these places.  He wished that he would be able to witness that in his lifetime, but even with all the advances in science, living in space was still too far away.

HTML, CSS?

I like to try to teach myself new things.  I'm a very curious person when it comes to how things come together from start to finish.  I decided a few weeks ago to teach myself HTML coding so that I can know how to make changes to a web page, or even eventually build one. 

I haven't gotten that far in my reading but already have learned quite a few basics. I'm excited about actually knowing how to do something that could benefit this blog, and eventually, hopefully, my personal web page for business. 

I should be taking more time putting some of this stuff into practice, but I'm so busy doing other things.  I'll have to make time though if I ever want to understand fully what I'm reading. 

This endeavor got me to thinking about everything else I've started to teach myself and have yet to finish. -_-   I really have a bad habit of doing things half-assed.

If I completed every task I set for myself, I'd be a super-human.


Wish me luck!

365 Days of Writing: Day 6

6. Eye Contact: Write about two people seeing each other for the first time.

His eyes were brown, the color of the earth. He smiled, reminding her of a fox.  The way the sun shone down on him made him almost appear angelic.  Like he had fallen from the heavens.  It was cliche but it was true.  She had suddenly forgotten how to breathe.  Her legs felt unsteady and nearly failed her when he spoke to her.  His voice was even perfectly pitched.  

________________________________________________________________________

She was cute but unremarkable.  She didn't try too hard, not like the other girls.  She wore jeans and a simple t-shirt.  Her hair was to her shoulders and plainly styled.  I don't even think she wore make-up.  If she did, it wasn't much.  She's not the type of girl you'd like twice at.  But I liked her smile. 

365 Days of Writing: Day 5

Food

I love food.  I think about eating practically every minute of every day. I'm not a big breakfast person, mainly because I never get up early enough to enjoy it.  During the week at work, I don't eat breakfast because I'm not usually hungry at such a stupid hour. 

However, I think this weekend I'm going to take advantage of the eggs I've got sitting around in the refrigerator.  Going to work some avocados into that pairing and perhaps some cheese.  Yummy.

I've been trying to eat healthy, *laughs* no I haven't.  I'll eat an oatmeal bar for lunch at work.  That's as light as I go.  Sometimes that fills me, but other times I'm snacking once I get home.

Dinner is my jam, though.  I love dinnertime foods most of all.  I love going out to dinner more than I like cooking, only because it takes less time.  It's torture waiting for homecooked meals to be finished, especially when they make your house smell so good!