Freakin' figures...

So, I ordered a few copies of my book to send out for reviews.  I was flipping through it and started reading one of the poems and caught an error. >.<.

It's like...c'mon really?!  Do you even know how many times I went over everything?!

I know it happens.  I've read stories that have minor errors and it doesn't bother me.  But all the same how can I send these out now? I can't.  I can't have someone review something when I know there's a mistake.

This is probably why editors are important!  Next time.

I can't win for trying.  It took me days to convince myself to try to get the book out there.  This morning I questioned the importance of it and now I'm convinced that it's a bad idea.  I can fix the error but I'm not going to re-print copies to send out.

I'm struggling hardcore with myself right now.

Jinxin' my writing flow.

I've really been tapping away at the old keys lately.  By lately I mean two days in a row...(cut me some slack.)

I'm excited by it, hence me wanting to talk about it which is always a mistake. I've just jinxed myself by admitting to the success of my brain functioning as it should. (Where writing is concerned.)

Does that happen to anyone else? The excitement is just too much for you to contain so you want to share it with the world and the next thing you know that flame fizzles out and all you're left with is that offensive smokey scent that clings to your lungs to remind you of what was while you stare off into the distance with vacant eyes, drooling because you can no longer function?  ::sigh::

What?  Too dramatic?  You know it's true.

Anyway, I'm excited.  I'm not sure why.
I doubt that this story will ever get finished simply because yet again, I don't know where it was meant to go.  Shoot, it probably isn't even any good but the point is that I know it's something.  It's different than what I normally write but it's fun.

I got sucked into it yesterday, it was magical.

That hasn't happened to me in a long time.  I hope that I don't give up on it.  I hope that I can continue to build momentum and bring it all together in the end.

It is what it is.

I sort of hate that saying.  It gets thrown around as an answer.  Sure, it's true but a person can't expect to be content with that sort of remark.  Which is funny because I say it to myself all the time.  Whenever I've worried over a problem for a lengthy amount of time and can't seem to find an answer that satisfies, "It is what it is" pops out of my mouth.  Really, it's just an excuse. (In some cases.)

Sometimes it's what we make it.  Sometimes we have a choice to change our life and we don't because we think, "It is what it is."

Someone said this to me a few days ago.  He's having a rough time in his life and he feels bad  for leading me on with how he's feeling when he knew that he couldn't move forward with me even though I'm all he ever thinks about.

We got into a small disagreement because he latched onto one generalized remark I made out of an entire conversation, so I had to correct him. I'm still not sure if he understood me or not. I'm not going to put up with someone who tries to blame me for things that I didn't do just because they can't admit to their own faults.  For some reason people think that I have no feelings and what they do doesn't affect me at all.  They make their decisions and drop me like a sack of hot potatoes without a concern about how I'll feel.  I'm not a priority.

 I've accepted long ago that things weren't going to work out for us, but I made the mistake of allowing myself to imagine.  I wanted to feel special and cared for, even for a brief minute but I realize now that it wasn't worth it.

I know that I deserve more than what people are giving me.  I know that I deserve more than a few encouraging words.  I deserve to be someone's priority.

Me being able to recognize that as a truth is something only I'll ever appreciate.

I'm not perfect.  I've got a lot to work on personally and that's exactly what I intend to do.  I need to start caring about myself and I've got to be on my own team.  I can't look for validation from other people.

I've got to make the change and stop the nonsense.  I don't accept how things have been going. I'm not going to settle for it anymore. It's bull shit and I have allowed it for too long.