Frustrations

There are so many things that I wish I could do. My head is full of ideas and projects but I lack the motivation, skill or time to get it done.  I'm frustrated with myself and my lack of ambition.  I'm frustrated with the way I handle things.  This is life though.  We aren't meant to get it right the first time around.

I have a bad habit of thinking about all the things that I "should" have now.  I don't know why I dwell on it.  I guess part of me knows that I could do better.  Part of me believes that I can still do anything that I want to do if I only took the time to make it happen.

Then I get frustrated that I've wasted so much time belittling myself when I could have used that energy towards achieving something.  I get caught up in a self pitying and self loathing cycle and nothing that I do gets me out of it.

Useless.

I keep telling myself that one day I'll straighten myself out but I don't.  What a pain in the butt I am.

Cranky people.

So, I come into work today and listen to the messages, as is my routine.  It's a loathsome task but someone has to do it and since I'm the first one in, it falls to me.

Some guy left a very angry message. Normally I would listen to the whole thing to get to the point but this week has been my week of "hell" and I lacked the desire, so I just deleted it.  There are few things that annoy me; people who leave long winded and unnecessarily mean message are high on that list.

My question is, why?  Why do people get so nasty for no good reason? It has always baffled me.  I can't even tell you how many people who have called here cursing or yelling at me or lecturing me.  It's not just at my company. I've been working for a long time at different places and there are always miserable people harassing employees. I've witnessed other people getting yelled at too. 

How miserable are these people that they have to take out their frustrations on people who are only doing their job or who aren't the reason for their bad mood to begin with?

Does it make them feel better to yell?  Does it make them feel better to make someone else upset? Or to make them feel stupid?

Don't get me wrong, if a company has wronged you personally then by all means pitch a fit.  But don't get hostile if something is out of stock, isn't on sale when you thought it was,  something was in the wrong spot and you didn't bother to check the right price.   There are bigger things to be upset about in this world believe it or not.

I'm not a people person and even I have better manners than some of the degenerates out there.  Do I get frustrated when I'm being rung up by a 17 year old who's talking to a fellow employee about nonsense instead of focusing on getting me out of the store? Yes.  But I'm not going to be rude to her. I was 17 once...(I took my job a little more seriously.)  

I don't know.  I just feel like these nasty people need more hugs or something.  Don't sweat the small stuff, be the duck.  Always be the duck.

(Water rolls off of a duck's back.  I've gone and used a metaphor. ^_^.)

Anyway, if you're feeling a wee bit cranky today and find that the little things are annoying, hug a friend, family member or animal, you'll feel better.

Going to move forward.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since my last post.  I've actually started 3 different blog posts and then just deleted them because they're not important enough.  But blogging is something that I really wanted to get into.  So I've decided to just push myself through and post what I plan on posting regardless of if it's important in the scheme of things or not.

I just don't want to avoid or ignore the state of the world and the terrible things that have happened...that continue to happen.  I don't want to be a person who knows that there are these things happening but doesn't address them...because I genuinely care about what's going on and I care about the people who have been affected.

Stuggles

I'm struggling again with this blog.  With everything that's been happening in France, (and the world), the little things that I'd talk about here are so unimportant compared to all of this.

I live in my own world where everyone should get along.  Where we don't fight and kill each other.  I live in a world where there is no hate.  Could you imagine what that would actually be like?  How wonderful life would truly be if we could all just stand together and be happy?

I can't wrap my head around the way some people think.  I can't make sense of their declarations and decisions.

No one should be afraid to live their lives. This shouldn't be happening in our "educated" world.

I'm not getting into it here.  It's not going to matter.  These angry people aren't going to read my blog and say, "You know what, Yarrow has a point.  It's stupid to keep on the way that we have been."

My thoughts are with the people of the world who suffer and have suffered because of other people's anger and hateful hearts.  I constantly hope that there will come a day where we can all see the bigger picture and the benefit of actually being united with our fellow man, regardless of race, religion, gender and whatever other attribute that people pick on.  We are all one.

Cruelty Free

I'm trying to be more conscientious of the products I buy.  It doesn't make sense to me that companies are still testing on animals.  I never really paid much attention to labels and things like that but now that's what I seem to be doing.

Mostly all of the products I was using were testing on animals.  It was frustrating and disappointing. I seriously wondered if it was worth it. It's not easy locating cruelty free things in the stores I go to but I really am trying.  

I'm not a vegan or a vegetarian.  So I guess in a sense I'm a hypocrite.  Why is it not ok for a product to be tested on an animal but killing one for food is fine?  Essentially, it's not. However, I personally believe that animals provide a protein that my body craves as I get older.  I will do my best to start researching places that butcher meat humanly.  (Yes, there is such a thing.)  Who knows? Maybe as I do my research I'll find that I don't really like the whole butchering process and go off meat all together.  But one step at a time.

I'm also not going to sit here and tell people that they need to boycott every company that tests on animals.  Mostly because it's not going to matter.  If people haven't boycotted by now, knowing that it's being done, they're not going to listen to me.  I can only worry about myself. I can bring to light what I'm finding out and if someone comes across it and is affected enough to make a change, then wonderful.

http://features.peta.org/cruelty-free-company-search/index.aspx


That link is to search for brands that are cruelty free.  Or if you are currently using a brand you can type it in to see if it's cruelty free or not.

I'm also subscribed to Vegan Cuts beauty box. What I'm going to start doing is share/review the items that I've received through them, as well as the products that I've found on my own.  I know that there are tons of beauty blogs out there but it will give me something new to talk about.  This isn't going to be a blog that focuses on beauty mind you, but I think it will be nice to change things up every few posts.  There will even be pictures.  Woohoo!  

~Yarrow

Having one of those days

Apparently this is going to be my week of dealing with stupid people.   I'm not perfect. I'm annoying but man I tell you, some people go around constantly thinking that everything they do is gold and we should all be thankful to the Divine that they walk among us.

Or then there's the people who like to think that they're doing you a favor. Meanwhile, they've done absolutely nothing to enhance your day.


Today is going to be a headphones in both ears kind of day for sure. 

I'd give for instances, but then I'll start cussing and there's no reason to get so worked up and waste energy on these people.  Just needed a quick vent.


 
 

Unsolicited Advice

It's so hard not putting my two cents in lately.  I was never one to offer up thoughts or opinions but lately I feel like that's all I'm doing.  No one seems to mind but it still bothers me.  I don't want people to think that I'm telling them how to live their lives.

Though if I'm honest, I'm probably doing it because no one ever asks me my opinion and I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of being quiet or it's simply just how a conversation is kept going.  You can't ask someone how they're doing and then when they tell you a sad story just say, "Oh. Ok then." and yammer on about your life.  That's just rude.

I never tell people what they should do exactly because that's something that annoys me when people try to do it to me.  So I'm trying to find ways of sharing tips with people without it coming off as instructions.  It's not an easy balance though.

Most people don't care I've realized.  They just speak to hear themselves talk.  It's amazing what people say to each other in every day conversation.  I don't want to be THAT person.

It's hard to explain.  Maybe one day I'll figure out the right words and revisit this topic but for now, I just wanted to get the thought out there.

(This is why I should never have stepped out of my hermit-like habits.)

Holiday Season

I feel like when I was younger, time moved slowly.  The two months off from school in the summer felt like five.  Why does that change as you get older?  I feel like I was just planning Thanksgiving and preparing for Christmas.  It's insane how fast time is moving...a little depressing and scary too.

I do love this season though.  October through December are my favorite months. I love all the different flavors that Starbucks has. (Yes, I even love the fact that everything is pumpkin flavored!) I don't know why some people get annoyed by it.  Unless you're a person who hates pumpkin flavor of course.  This is the only time of the year that I shell out such a crazy amount of money for a coffee. (C'mon Starbucks...seriously?!)  It's my segue into "holiday mode" and has become a tradition.

Now is the time that I start putting myself on a cleaning schedule as I host Thanksgiving.  It's a big house to clean and there's only one me, so it takes me some time.  I try not to rush through Thanksgiving even though I don't really think we should have made it a holiday.  (Not getting into politics now though.)  I celebrate this time of year because I'm thankful for a lot of things, however, it's also a time for reflection.  I try to remember and honor my ancestors in my own small way.  I'm the only pagan in my family so I go about things a little differently.

Of course all the while planning Thanksgiving, I'm thinking about Christmas.  I try to get my shopping done early but of course that never happens either.  

I know that this year I want to make a conscious effort to have my gift shopping done by the end of November.  I'd like to enjoy the Christmas season instead of stressing out and watching it zoom past me before I had a chance to sit and immerse myself in it. I would also like to have a small Yule ritual, which is something that I've not been able to do since I started down this path. (Over 10 years ago.)

This is also a sad time for me.  I've lost two people who loved this time of the year as much as I do.  I miss our conversations and planning.  Also, a dear friend of mine celebrated his birthday on Christmas Day and he's no longer here either. I always have to make an effort to remain happy and cheerful now that these people are no longer here to celebrate and enjoy.  But this is life.  It goes on and so must we.

So here's to hoping I stay focused and energized!

Creativity ramble

I'm envious of creative people.  You know who I'm talking about,  the people who can sit down to draw, paint, write and craft what's in their minds and have it come to fruition quickly.  It's a confidence crash when I see other people's work.  I get envious but never jealous...aside from that period in my life where I refused to read Harry Potter on principle. So much time wasted when I could have immersed myself in that world and purchased all the trinkets that the stores were selling.  *sigh*  Ah well, lesson learned.

Seriously though, I have so many ideas in my head. I'm not an artist; I can't draw at all yet 50% of what I want to do involves drawing.  My problem is that I'm a perfectionist.  I want things to look their best from the start.  Realistically that's impossible, especially for someone like me who does everything halfheartedly.
My intentions are always good, and I aim to give any project 100%, but as soon as a line or a sentence turns out wonky I shut down.  I grumble and complain and basically go on a tangent and swear off everything. It's a bit dramatic, to be honest.  It's also frustrating.  Clearly you can't have things looking perfect if you've dedicated zero time to the process.  You have to be willing to practice, and I'm too restless to sit and learn basics.

I'm working on it though. Little by little.

Netflix: How it turned me into a procrastinator.

I love Netflix.  I love almost everything about Netflix.  I've seen movies I never even knew existed. I've binged watched some awesome t.v. shows.  I've had marathons with my favorite actors/actresses.

It has become "my thing".  My guilty pleasure.  My drug of choice. (Seriously...I'm addicted to it.)

The downside to this glorious invention is that I spend more time watching it than I do anything else.
I've got projects I need to work on.  Books I want to read.  Grown up chores I need to do. I'm wasting valuable hours here!  (Though really, is it a waste? What else do I have going on?)

I'm not one of those people that can watch an episode and walk away.  I wish I was though.  I wish that I could have an hour of Netflix time and the rest dedicate to other things.  It was part of my New Years resolution but that didn't happen.  The other part was to play more video games.  (Don't judge, I was trying to find something I could stick with. I was tired of being a failure at all those other self-improvement resolutions.) But Netflix even trumped gaming. I'll try again for 2016.

I'll firmly tell myself as I'm driving home from work, that once I get home I'm taking care of "business" first. Then I can watch all the Netflix I want.  But by the time I get home I'm exhausted and need a good sit down.  The next thing I know it's dinner time and I just wasted nearly 3 hours watching a sitcom about people with actual lives.  *sigh*

I even considered cancelling my Netflix subscription for a few months to get myself out of the habit, then laughed at myself for being ridiculous.  I just need to gain some willpower and self control. I know that I have it somewhere.

~Yarrow

Happy Samhain

Or Halloween if you're not pagan.

It came to me on the drive to work the other morning that today would be the perfect day to share one of my poems.
If anyone happens to be reading my blog, I would encourage you to share your thoughts on my poems.  I've never had anyone other than my sister read my stuff and am very interested in knowing what other people think.  Even if you think it stinks. If you do, try to be constructive with any criticism.  Don't just say, "This was the stupidest thing I've ever read."  Tell me why you think it was stupid.  Of course, if you like the poem, I would love to hear that as well.  If you're too shy to write to me there are little boxes at the end of the page. I think it's called "Reactions", check off a box that fits your opinion and that would make me happy too!  Anything would be appreciated. :)  Thank you.

Last Words

Don't cry for me when I die.
Life is too short to live in sorrow.
You'll always be able to find me,
For I'll have become the blessed Earth.
But should the sadness overwhelm and you miss the sound of my voice,
Listen to the birds' song.
Let it echo in your heart and know that,
"I love you."

Should you miss the feel of me,
My solid presence.
Let your fingers touch the bark of any tree,
Feel the life and know that I am beneath.

Should you miss my face,
Look to the Moon.
See me gazing down upon you,
Watching over you.

I will be the grass and dirt under foot,
The flowers that fragrant the air,
The rain that helps you sleep.

See my essence in all the creatures of the land and of the sea.
They will each hold a part of me.

I will have become everything that surrounds you,
So you'll never feel my absence.

Why I decided to publish poems.

I've always enjoyed (in my half-assed way) writing. Ever since I was a little girl stories seemed to fill my head and I would madly scribble these ideas down.  As I got older the tone of these stories changed from a character making friends with all the animals (seriously...it was a paragraph long.) to a character whose pet came back to life, (not in that terrifying creepy way that happened in Pet Cemetery), to a full length novel with pirates, dragons, wizards, assassins, and all other sorts.  It was glorious and epic.  It was glepic. ^_^ 

I dreamed of being a published author.   I imagined that one day this novel (the one with the pirates, dragons, wizards, assassins, etc.) would be resting on the shelves of the book stores. People would be captivated by the title and cover image.  They'd read the first sentence and immediately sit down to read the whole thing in one go.  Instant success. Movie deal and video game already in the works. (High expectations!)

The reality however is that this novel will never be published.  It has too many flaws.  Too many inconsistencies...it needs too much work even though I've already revised it 100+ times.  That's the problem when one is too critical of themselves.  I want to be proud of what I write.  I want to send it off into the world and be sure that people will enjoy it fully.  Not that I really expect to be successful. (I'll always be a dreamer.) I just want to do well.  I don't want people to hate anything that I write, so I hate it for them in the hopes of perfecting it...one day.

Now that I'm older and have begun working on a novel that I seriously want to get published, I'm finding it harder to get my ideas down.  I struggle with describing things and making sense of anything.  I have strong characters but as far as actual content...it's all very weak.  I get restless and overwhelmed as soon as I open the document, so I just sit and stare at it in disgust and despair.  Save and Quit.

I'm not the only writer who has this problem.  My biggest flaw is that I've stopped trying.  It will be weeks, months...years before I look at that story again.  I stopped believing that I wanted it bad enough.  I stopped believing that I was good enough. So, I gave up.  One day I'll get to it.  That's what I tell myself...that's what I've been telling myself for the last few years.

I was looking through my poem book one random day and the thought came to me that there were enough to publish.  I thought for a minute and sort of turned up my nose at the idea.  I never wanted to publish my poems. Who the hell wants to read them? I'm not an author of poetry! I write novels.  Epic novels filled with humor, romance, murder, intrigue. (Not really.) I don't want to be known for poems. (Not that I have anything against authors who strictly publish poems.  I love poems. I love reading them.) I sighed. Like you do when you're not sure that you're sure of anything.  I have a brief existential crisis and toss the book aside.  Two seconds later I scoop the book up and cradle it like some precious and holy relic.

I read through this collection of poems that I've written over the course of 10 years.  I feel all the feels and have a good cry at some particularly touching verses.  I decided at that moment that it was time to let it go.

When you're a secretive person, as I am, you hoard all your emotions until you end up looking like that old lady from the labyrinth.

I didn't want to feel like that anymore. I wanted to stand up straight, dust myself off and pull myself out of whatever hole I fell into and made a home out of.  So I spent a few weeks re-reading the poems and changing little bits here and there as well as deciding to omit a few that made no sense or were just too much.

Then I decided to tell one of my sisters about my revelation.  She was super excited and supportive and gave me my final push.  So I went ahead and did all the work in CreateSpace. (I'm keeping that experience for a different post.)  I finally hit the "publish" button on September 1st after 8 months of preparing and debating on if I should go through with it for real.

Ultimately, I decided that sharing one's experiences with others is a way to connect with them.  It's a small way of saying, "Hey, I know you're probably having a rough day. I did too, let's sit and commiserate together."

I know that my poems aren't going to solve world issues or make people feel good about life but maybe they'll make some other hermit feel less alone.  We can have our own little hermit club, only we'll never know about each other because, well...hermits hermit.  We don't really gather socially. Defeats the whole concept of hermitage doesn't it?  Anyway...you get where I'm going.  If not, well then stick with me and eventually you will. <3

~Yarrow

I published a book!

At the beginning of September, I published a book of poems.  I'm still unsure how I feel about having personal thoughts "out there".  I console myself with the thought that not many people read poetry anymore anyway, so the odds of anyone buying my book is slim.  Two months in and I'm wondering if I was being honest with myself about not caring if anyone ever read them or not.

My mind is a funny thing.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't proud of myself.  I'd be lying if I said that remaining unknown is perfectly fine.  


I'm going to share some of those poems here at some point.

I don't want to make this blog all about the book but I do want to give it a wink and a nudge. I suspect that the first few posts will be book related and I do apologize, but I should be allowed that without feeling guilty.  I self published and only told one person about it and have kept quiet ever since.  I mean...what author does that?!  Where's the launch party? Where's the press releases?  I don't have the wherewithal to go through all that to be honest.  So I'll manage in my own way.

I also want to write about the whole process of publishing via CreateSpace and what my experience was with them.

~Yarrow

At it again!

(This is my third attempt at keeping a blog, let's see how long I last. -_-)

Hello and welcome.  I've got ideas about what I want this endeavor to be about but I'm not going to list them all here.  I did that in an older blog and felt confined to write and share only those things.

I guess you can expect a little bit of everything around here. Some of it, you may find  interesting...some of it may bore you to tears.  We'll just have to soldier on and see what works.

~Yarrow