Planning and organizing

So, back in May, I wrote a post about Checking in and making changes.  I had mentioned that I wanted to start planning out my time...well it took me a few months but here I am starting to structure my life.

At the beginning of the month, I was in a store and spotted an academic planner in the office supply section.  It's a cheaper and simple Erin Condren-esque planner.  (Let's be honest, who has $50+ to spend on a planner, plus the extra cash for the fun stickers and sh*t? Not this girl.)  *sigh*

It's a start for me.  I've planned out the whole month of August and September, and I have to say, it's been really helpful.  Not that I've stuck to my To Do's that well, it's something that needs to be eased into.  I'm not going to lie, being able to tick off a box after a task is complete is quite satisfying.

One day I'm going to go to the dollar store or check out the craft stores for some cheap sticker packs and other things that could be used to decorate the planner. (No, it's not necessary, but I'm a simple human and therefore get unexpectedly enthused by pretty things.) I've got a limited supply of stickers now, and only because I saved my "collection" from when I was a little one. (Yay for hoarding!  This is why I can't throw anything out! >.<) But they're not the sort of stuff I can use to fill up the pages.

At any rate, the point is, I'm actively using this thing daily and have been enjoying the process.  I'm not an organized person at all, which is a trait I wish I possessed.  Hopefully the more I implement this tool and tweak it until I find a way that makes me efficient, the more I can accomplish.

I have big plans for myself and my future, but none of that can get moving until I organize my life and sort my sh*t out.

Not even worth it...

I guess everyone has their personal torments to live with.  We're meant to face them and overcome them, hopefully with some level of dignity, but probably not.  Being a human is an ugly and awkward business.

We're shortsighted and don't get to see the bigger picture. We get swallowed up by the drag of everyday disappointments.   They cloud our judgment and take control of our minds until we can't see anything else.

At least, I know this is true for me.  I waste a lot of time thinking about things that aren't a concern.  I get bothered by what I can't control.  I try to be accepting of the things that happen, but it's not always easy.  I worry over everything, and I'm at the point now where I realize that none of it is worth the trouble.  None of it is going to make one damn bit of difference in the end.  It will work out or it won't.

I hate not knowing.  I hate the unknown when my world grows dark, and the light is harder to find.

Everything will be ok. I tell myself, but the truth is that I don't know. It's another lie I tell myself to get through a day.  I don't know if life is going to work out for me.  The worst I could imagine is me being the same frivolous thinker on my deathbed as I am now.  I'd be a huge disappointment to myself if that happens.  Even more so than I already am.

They're harder to hold onto when you reach a certain age and have nothing to show for your years of living.  The hopes and dreams I mean. The world was a wide and welcoming place when I was five; full of possibilities and endless adventures.

But, I've done fuck all with my life.  That's my fault.  I'm sure I had the opportunities but lacked the motivation.  I got caught up in my feelings of worthlessness and insignificance.  I allowed myself to be simple and not strive to achieve anything more than what I thought I deserved. So, that great wide world grew smaller and smaller.

That's the horrible and sobering truth.  This is my fault.  I'm miserable because I hold onto shit that's useless when all is said and done.  I want things that are trivial and not worth the effort it takes to try to make them stick.  I ignore the reality that there is a bigger picture and that's what I should focus on.  The rest will fall into place, or they won't.  Either way, they're  just fillers, aren't they? Things to fluff out our years and give life a little more oomph while we wait.  They aren't necessarily important. Regardless of how much I'd welcome them and have a need for them.

I stopped blaming everyone else, though. Whatever they did to me, I allowed. I believed in their low opinion of me because I didn't care to see the difference.  I was in a constant state of "waiting."  I should have been out and about making my dreams come true instead of wasting time wishing on stars.

It's not too late for me to make something of myself but the question I ask myself is, "Is it worth the effort?"  "Do I want it enough?" 

No.  It's sadly easy for me to admit it.  All the things that I want would involve me succeeding and in succeeding, I'd have to be out in the open and vulnerable to the world.  I'd have to surround myself with people and be social. I'd much rather hide away in a hole somewhere, a place where no one would find me. 

I'm a coward. I've always been. 

I'd go mental and live the daydreams.  Which doesn't bother me, I'm half there already.  But I know deep down that it should.  A person shouldn't be ok with becoming crazy.   That's not an acceptable life goal.  It just seems easier than having to deal with liars and self-absorbed assholes who judge you because they don't understand.  They'll always know a lot more than me.  No matter what I say, it's never enough, or it's never right.  I'll never know anything.  To some people, my opinion isn't worth the air I've wasted expressing it.  It's my fault, though, because I never prove them wrong.  I just get angry about it and feel like a fool.

I know what I'm capable of.  People seem to think that they know me better than I know myself, and when they make such statements, even cryptically, I can only roll my eyes and make my arguments inwardly.

 I lack the desire to make a difference.  I lack the confidence.  I've abused myself more than should have been allowed.  I've beaten myself down more than is acceptable.  I keep myself so low to the ground because I've started to believe the lies I've told myself.  I contradict myself daily, because even with all of these negative thoughts I have about myself,  I am worth more than all of this. 

I know that the first step I have to take is finding my way out of that cycle.  I have to let the doubt and self-hatred fall away before I can embrace the possibilities.  It's just not something that I find easy.  No matter what tricks I've tried.  My mind turns on itself like a scorpion surrounded by fire.

I've got that restless feeling.

(Just so you know, I sung the title to this post from that song in Top Gun, Lost that loving feeling.)

I'm feeling a big blah lately. I'm not satisfied with anything that I'm doing.  For example, I've been working on a new story and have made such amazing progress and was super happy about it, but today, I'm ready to scrap it all and walk away.  All that work and excitement got smothered out.

 I always prefer the idea of walking away.

This means that my restless nature has returned to me and I'm in for a time.  I may have written about this before.

I'm trying to work through it diplomatically, which is something that I never used to do.  Normally, I step back and let it take control.  That approach never helps.

The desire to leave is strong though.  If I could pack up my essentials and go off into the woods somewhere and exist simply, it would make me happy. 

I don't know why I get this way but it's been a feeling that has tormented me since I was a kid.  I guess part of it could be boredom.  My life is predictable and though I enjoy the lack of spontaneity in my life, I'm tired of being stationary. I've always longed for the adventure of living.

The other part is just to get away from the things I have to deal with.  I get caught up in it all and allow it to drag me down and take control.   I feel like I don't appreciate all the things that I have because I'm too focused on all the shit. I re-open old wounds, so to speak, and worry over them again. As if there's something that I could do now that I wasn't able to do while I was going through it.  Or I allow these old hurts to poison the clarity I worked so hard to achieve through the "lesson" they were meant to teach me.  Everything is always unraveling around me.  It's tiresome.

 It's human nature I suppose.

I don't know.  There's got to be something more.  I wish I could find a way to calm that restless part of my soul.  Today on the drive to work I wondered if I would ever find that one thing that I feel I need. If I did, would it be enough? Will I always want more?