I should be thankful.

I should be thankful?

I should be thankful that I can watch cute videos of otters swimming, while other people are getting beaten for the color of their skin.

I should be thankful that my main concern is what I’m buying for whom this holiday season. While other people’s homes are being bombed.  They don’t know if their loved ones are alive or dead. Meanwhile, I’m fighting with one relative or other because they hurt my feeling back in 1999.

I should be thankful that I get to fill my belly excessively, while some poor stranger starves to death in an alley somewhere in the same town.

I should be thankful that I get to sit for a moment and doubt the existence of God, while someone else fervently prays to Him for help out of the nightmare that is their life because God is all they have.  God is the only one who listens.  God is the only one who tells them that everything is going to be alright, despite the shit around them.

I get upset at the thought of dying alone because not one man I loved, chose me.  Ignoring the fact that some girl, still a child just got sold to a man she’s never met, forced to live as an adult and act like an adult when she should still be playing with dolls and dreaming of unicorns.

I should be thankful that I get to walk around with my tattoos exposed and short sleeves on hot days, my hair getting windblown and tangled when the winter winds come howling, while another woman gets beat half to death for showing her hands accidentally while trying to make a purchase. 

I should be thankful that I moaned and complained about having to go to school and learn, to better myself so I could be something one day. While another little girl is banned from attending, yet she holds onto that dream of “one day.”  If she’s lucky, her parents are supportive and teach her quietly behind closed doors.  Maybe she'll have a chance.

I should be thankful that I live in a country where I don’t have to live in fear.  

I should be thankful that the color of my skin offers me more freedoms and choices than others.   

I should be thankful that even though I’m struggling, I have a better chance of making it through. 

I should be thankful.

I should be thankful.

But I’m not.  I’m not because I’m ashamed of my privileges. 

I’m ashamed of my liberties and my freedom because I take them for granted.   

I’m ashamed that I get to “forget” and go on living my life with the certainty that everything is going to be ok, regardless of if I pray or not. 

I’m ashamed that I’m pitying people who have more strength than I’ll ever have.   

I’m ashamed that I’m helpless.