A little more serious than I intended but that happens sometimes

On occasion I catch myself acting like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. My theme song becomes, 'Don't care how. I want it now,' as I list off all the things that I want, ignoring reality and demanding that these things find their way to me, "Or else!"
Then after a while, that internal music stops playing. I'm left standing mad as a bull, as I watch this fabulous kingdom I created crumble around me.  I feel like a fool.

I've learned that life doesn't always give you what you want.  Shoot, sometimes it doesn't even give you what you need.   It's like a lottery pool that you share with the rest of the world; you reach your hand in and get what you get.  Sometimes you pull out something good, sometimes you pull out something boring, and sometimes you pull out something terrible.  These are the things that shape you. But, you are more than these things.

That demanding, spoiled brat that I was at the start ends up 'beaten' and dejected by the end.  I'm left scolding myself for being so selfish and being focused on trivial things when the world as a whole is suffering, and the people in it have less than I do.  They've had to endure worse than I have.  I sit with this thought for a while until it eats at me because the reality is, there's nothing that I can do. I'm useless.

Recently, and I suppose it comes with age, I've started to tell myself that I matter too.  Regardless of who has it better, or who has it worse, my life is just as sacred and the things that I've been through just as important.

Religious people say, 'God gives you only what you can handle.'  These are just words to comfort.  (In my opinion.)  Sure, I'm handling things, but am I handling them well?  No. Half the time I'm flailing around trying to fend off these 'shadows' that try to drag me down or suffocate me at every turn.

You see, it came to me that the reason why I get selfish and spoiled in my thoughts, is only to distract myself from having to deal with the unsavory aspects of my experiences.  It's so I don't have to relive moments that haunt me.  Avoidance, however, never solved anything. I know that one day I'll have to meet these things head on.  Will I ever be able to? I wonder.

I think part of the problem stems from people always comparing.  It's a habit, isn't it?  We judge each other and measure another's suffering with our own.  People tell you how to deal with your own thoughts. (Good or bad.) They discredit them and make you feel like anything you say is irrelevant.  They can make you feel small and worthless. So much in fact that you even stop listening to yourself.  You cut off a thought before it forms and you fill your mind with venomous words that stifle your soul.  The worst part is that you forget that you are sacred also. You lose sense of yourself; you become nothing.

Trying to climb out through that endless cycle is hard and harrowing in and of itself.  You may have people on 'your team', who love you and support you and always try to make you see the good within you, but for whatever reason, they can't help pull us out of that dark hole.  They can't reach their hands down far enough. It's our struggle. But the stepping stones and secure grips that lead the way up and out are made from their love and encouraging words.

If you're one of those people, who don't have a 'team'. You do. You have me.  I may be struggling with my own sense of self, but know that I know, you are extraordinary.  You're not nothing.  Your desires and your troubles are not nothing.  You are just as important as anyone else and your soul just as beautiful.  Don't let other people tell you otherwise.  Don't let people make you feel like you're worthless.  Don't let your thoughts turn against you.  Don't let another person's ignorance and arrogance shape your life.  You have your own path that has nothing to do with anyone else.  You'll be ok.  Life will be ok.  It may take a while, but you can become the person you know you can be.  Be who you are.

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